[golfhack]

A "How-To" from the band. Believe me, I know.

REQUESTS
Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with
the phrase "play my song", or "it goes something like this" then hum a
few bars! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited
database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar &
all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the
challenge.
If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if
need be, it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on.
Try singing a few words for the band. Any words. If one member halfway
knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the
entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know
your song, it helps to just keep requesting the same song every time
there is a break.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several
times per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU SUCK!
Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big
help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs
are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to
the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really
prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to
what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy,
even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily.

Your request is all that matters. If a metal band had played at the
club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know
every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current
band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell AC DC or
SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example.
Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or
metal band.

IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab
his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while
holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken
as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war between
their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or
guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they
usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard
players are protected by their instrument, & only play the game when
tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get
them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially
vulnerable during break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same
time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we
can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all
around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not
reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they
didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply
continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize the words
with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the
innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the
singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid
the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If
this happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will
appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain
standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free
to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the
better you sound, & the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off
the stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to sing harmony. Keep in
mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, third
& fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the
cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help & will
take this as a compliment.

IMPORTANT: Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to
the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form.
The band will carry on.
BONUS TIP:
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments, they love this. Even if you
are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you
have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you
immediately the following day to offer you a position.
See you at the next gig,

The band