[Myggz]

Tales of the Coven of Hags Castle..

Everyday stories of a group of friends who foray on the Intarweb in search of fun stuff to take the piss out of..

"They Make The League of Gentlemen.. look like a Womens Institute coffee morning.."

WARNING.. May need the services of an Interpreter from time to time..

The Hags....

Oddie - age twelvety

Oddie is a very busy laydee, ruling Hags with a firm but kaind hand. She mostly hangs out in the bookies and is very stylishly dressed by the various chattery shops on the way. She eats mostly Granny's tomato soup and Bridies.
She reads dictionaries in bed and composes long letters of complaint to Bethlehem Hospital about needing to keep proper control of their inmates, especially those that originate from Trumpton




Hazel - age twelvety

Hazel appears to be a gentle and refained laydee, but Oddie has entrusted her with the grand office of deputy, a task which she seems to have embraced with gusto! Her hobbies are knitting nifty wee outfits for all the laydeez, mostly in their preferred choice of orange, lime green and purple. She makes all her own longjerry, (lingerie) and is mystified at its constant disappearance from the washing line. She is very clever because she has made all the laydeez addicted to TimTams, and they obey her every whim.


Rowan - age twelvety

Rowan is often to be found dressed in a bootiful ballgown, and a tarara. She has twelvety pairs of glass slippers and twelvety hunnert shoes. She keeps foties of them in picture frames out the £1 shop, in case she forgets. She is Keeper of the Crayons. Oddie says if she does it properly for a whole month she can have the felt tips as well. Rowan is very clever, and she can do psycho stuff when she is not being lead astray. She has long hair down to her waist and she lives with her fiancy, Patrick Stewart. He is feart at her because of her great beauty. His duties are mainly cooking her meals and dusting her tasteful collection of foty frames.



Suzi - age eleventeen

Suzi is the youngest and best swearer of all the Hags. She has recently taken her curtains up, and now her beloved fiancy has a better view of the bushes. She steals all the rabbits out the fields and makes them live in her house.
She lives mostly on Lemon cheesecake yogurts


69er - age twelvety

Under the guise of being an eccentric multi millionaire he goes off to Spain to get cheap fags to annoy everybiddy. The laydeez have him sussed - they just know he is James Bond on a secret mission! Mr. Connery is ugly compared to 69er

Steviebaby - age twelvety.

Stevie is often to be found digging his graden. He has muscles on top of his muscles. He taunts all the laydeez with offers of bubble baths, but they all know he washes in carbolic because of his unfortunate skin condition.
He is bliddy gorgeous though, and is the greatest warrior in all the land. He is always offering to show everyone his lance. He can be summoned by looking at the moon at whispering "Mr. A" three times.


The Mighty Emperor, His Imperial Majesty, the Great Lord Piggin - age twelvety

Roaring through Hags on his motor bike, our hero stops momentarily and gives us the benefit of his great wisdom and latest jokes. He shouts a lot and is always maligning puir wee Monsy, especially since she caught him under the mistletoe, and impetigo is soooo infectious.


Miggsy - age twelvety

Small of stature, a veritable fiend when roused, this bandy-legged wumman of immense beauty, has thrown away her earlier life of doing good deeds with the laydeez, and run away to sea. She now commands "The Good Ship Venus" with her pet crow Tunnock at her side. She is so fearsome, sharks run away when they see her. She amuses everybiddy by draping one of these big red jellyfish over her head and tying their hingy bits in knots. The polis are feart at her, so they only arrest her for "Old time's sake"

Widdly - age twelvety

After rejecting all the fiancys Monsy took the time and trouble to get for her, Widdly got one for herself.
She spends all her pocket money in car boot sales, and she stole Monsy's best plates and sold them on E-bay for 30p, by the way! She is best friends with Boopy, but hastens to assure us, they are not JIFS

Boopy - age twelvety

Boopy too, has declined Monsy's efforts and got herself a fiancy. Her favourite colour is green. After rigorous training, the laydeez have decided she is worthy of one of their highest honours. The VC for "verbose cohorts" - hanging out with!
£1 shops throughout the land are being scoured for tasteful choklit paper from Cambodia to make this well deserved brooch. She is best friends with Widdly, but hastens to add they are not JIFS


Deja - age twelvety

Deja is the most practical of the Hags. To keep her mind off working out possible ways to kill Mr. Deja, she paints and decorates her house every day, as well as going to work. Her favourite plant is Hemlock, which she grows in abundance in her garden. Her favourite trick is to put twelvety Cadbury's Creme Eggs in her mouth and drink hot gin
She is small, so small in fact, Monsy wonders how she is going to get out of that big hole once she's dug it.
There's no use suggesting mr. Deja will dig it, because he will just have a bliddy headache in his arse AGAIN!!!


Mazzikins - age twelvety

A gentle and refained lady with secret yearnings, Mazzikins can often be found in the freezer compartment at her work, checking the freshness of the cream cakes. She wishes Monsy would get her a new fiancy, because Martin Kemp has sat on the DFS couch so long it is going to fall to bits now the guarantee is up. Mazzikins bought a modem with a faulty computer attached recently, so her movements have been a bit of a mystery to the laydeez

Gina - age twelvety

Gina is the Hags forrin representative. Code name Clicker. She has travelled the world extensively, doing good deeds. She will be visiting the Hags soon, and Oddie is teaching them to sing "America the bootiful" Deja is painting Hags red, white and blue, and Oddie has conferskated the laydeez gold stars for good behaviour, to decorate the dungeon in honour of her stay. While she is here, she is going to teach the British paparazzi how to get really good foties of famous people falling over. She sends puir wee Monsy pictures of seagulls from all her travels, because she is very kaind, and Monsy insists. Monsy hasn't noticed they all have the same background.

Margaret - age twelvety

Margaret is the Keeper of the Dogs. She is always out rescuing them from up trees and stuff. Every time she comes in Hags she brings some wee hard biscuits, especially for Miggsy to hone her teeth on. Oddie served them up with custard one night, but her custard was harder than the biscuits. Margaret eats mostly bonio stew and lard. She has a fiancy called Ken and he does as he's told.

Polter - age twelvety

Polter is a mannie what does all the odd jobs round Hags. He is a part time dj and gets fillums and stuff for the laydeez from a "special place". He has to rewire all the plugs when the laydeez fuse them in bed at night. He has refused to drill holes in the bath and put fairy lights in, one of Suzi's better ideas. The laydeez are thinking of having a paddling pool installed, and Polter lives for the day he can get them all in at once and talk them into heating it with an electric fire. Then he might get a share of the various treat that are all ett by the time he comes home from work in the electrickery factory. Polter mostly drinks cold tea, at least that's what he says it is - in the bottle with the big budgie on it.

Al Zir/Haus - age twelvety.

A somewhat mysterious figure. He wears a wet suit and wrestles with sharks and captures them and puts them in a big see through bath in Hull. Monsy was greeting when he came back because she thought there really was such a thing as a choklit starfish. He has often been spotted in various guises, wearing his best dressing gown (the one for hospital) and a tea towel on his head. The dramatic effect of this is somewhat spoiled by the word "glass" plain to see, round the edges. He smokes a strange substance and Oddie says he smells like a Skunk sometimes. His garden is full of camels. Monsy swears blind they look more like shaved Llamas. Al Zir is often to be found crossed legged, in front of Mazzyikins best straw message bag, playing with his whistle. When challenged, he says he is " trying to get his snake to come out" If Oddie ever sees it, she will jump on it. and kill it deid!!

Monsterrat - age twelvetyish

Possibly the most misteryouse and legendary of all. She is reputed to live in a bijou converted gasworks near Condom-on-Sea and although only having amost only one leg occasionally, and being infested with seagulls she is bliddy gorgeous. Her collection of headscarves have been featured in Heat magazine. She has many fiancys, some of which she has passed to Cin to practice whipping with, this way, the krool Oddie doesnt let Cin practice on her. She holds the UK all-comers record for the mostest cinnamon balls in a persons mouth whilst singing 'Flower of Scotland'.

[Myggz]

The Ghostdusters


The ladies have become enthralled with the exploits of the wimmin on that programme "Is your howf bowfing tonight" and "Most Haunted" starring Derek Acorah, who is really called Derek Roach and is Oddie's cousin 6 times removed, or so she said, when Cinders and Monsy were casting nasturtiums on Mazzy's claim to be related to Count Dracula! Cinders and Monsy daren't say anything to Oddie, but every time she turned round to write instructions on the blackboard, Cinders kept making faces, causing Monsy to be grateful for her Tena lady, and her new goggles and snorkel she had purchased in the £1 shop, and was wearing, ready for the day she might have to rescue somebody when they fell in the river. Monsy had already worked out the best place to help Miggsy trip.........err show her the ducks.

Now Oddie has recently moved into a pub called the "Hag's Castle" where she is a firm but kind landlady, only making customers answer obscure questions about ploughs and Scottish Royalty, before they can have a wee dram.
Unfortunately, there is one problem, the building is very old and run down, and drink is mysteriously going missing, along with most of the crisps and choklit bars behind the bar. Oddie has tried several times to trap the offender, even replacing the choklit with Ex-lax, but none of the patrons are showing any signs of discomfort. Monsy did have an odd bulge in her pants, but it turned out to be one of Oddie's chinnychillers that Monsy had put there to show Hazel her impression of a live Merkin.

Cinders and Monsy had been very bored lately, but a wee idea was just taking hold as they watched non- stop repeats of their two very favourite programmes. NB was sniffing in derision at the big wumman's green rubber gloves with the fur trim. She had meant to make some for herself in honour of the programme, but as she had spent all her pocket money in the Mr. Kipling shop, she had just painted her hands with felt tip and combed the hairs on her wrist into a fetching bouffant. "That big wumman's legs are still all shiney and orange" declared Monsy. "That's because she has dipped them in barley sugar" exclaimed Cinders, darting a look of defiance towards Oddie, who did not hear her as she was immersed in "The Racing Post" Monsy tried to look knowledgeable, she was sure she had heard of people putting sugar on their legs, that must be what Cinders meant.

Next programme was the one where her off "Blue Peter" Eeevet Fieldming and Derek were trying to find ghosties in a haunted house. "I wonder if we have got ghosts" said Hazel, swinging one leg over her chair in a very unladylike way. She was wearing all her new longjerry as she didn't dare leave it at home in case some-one flocked it. She looked a bit bumphled up, but no-one noticed except Miggsy, but she thought Hazel just had wind again, and made sure she put her chair on the opposite side of the room, near the bin.

Cinders and Monsy's eyes lit up. They had not been defectives and inverstigated anything for ages, now, inspired by their favourite programmes, they could look in people's mucky houses and get rid of ghosts at the same time.
Enter - "The Ghostdusters"

[Myggz]

A Good Flocking

"What this place needs is a good flocking" said Deja, "I think it would look exceedingly lovely and tasteful, especially if we use that shocking pink we had left over from another thread" Hazel was a bit dubious, she had never seen chains and a gimp costume flocked, - well not in shocking pink anyway. She was interested to see what it would look like, because the one the gardener insisted on wearing was getting a bit worn, especially where he had bitten through it. "How pleased Cinders will be" said Miggsy, "how kind and thoughtful we are to her" "We are bliddy saints, so we are" said Katkins, earning her a stern look from Mazzy who could not talk about things of holiness and stuff, because she was a vampire.

At that moment the air was filled with the sound of a rumbly airyplane again. There was a large thud as a crate fell to the gound, closely followed by a woman of wondrous beauty. "Hoorah" shouted Katkins, "it's Bonnie and she has brought the flocking machine with her, from the baaaaaaad place" The pilot waved to them all, he still looked like James Stewart in that fillum, the initials 'NHB' were emblazoned on his chest and he was wearing a Biggles hat and the goggles Monsy lost when she went inverstigating where jellyfish go at night, because Miggsy told her they had wee beds, with covers and everything. Monsy had watched "Spongebob Squarepants" and she knew Miggsy was telling the troof, even though Cinders swore that they went to the jelly factory to be melted down for trifles, the kind they sell in the wee wax dishes, in the Shitty Bakeries.

[Myggz]

Of cakes and Choklit..

(actual forum conversation.... )

Mons - OFFICIAL NOTICE!!
I have gone off cakes, I am now mostly eating mince pies!!!

Lacemaker - Oh No. Just when I had got her a collection of the most luscious cakes I've seen. Oh well if she doesn't want them............
(What bliddy diet !!!)

Mons - Eek !

Lacemaker - I think I'll have the caramel gateau first :
Lovely, light and delicious, three layers of soft vanilla sponge, filled with caramel butter cream and flavoured with kirsch liquer.

Cinders - You and your big mouth Monsy!!
Send them to me Hazel - I have been VERY good!!

Lacemaker - You can have the Chocklit Supreme, Cinders :
Dense and moist with a chocklit butter cream and orange liquer centre. Covered in delicious chocklit ganache. Supremo !!

Cinders - Oh yes, delicious Hazel that bliddy Monsy will be jealous now!!

Lacemaker - I think it's a very unselfish thing she has done - going off cakes. She knows we love them so she's leaving them all to us purely out of the goodness of her heart.

Mons - (Banging her head against the wall, utterly shocked, throwing herself on the floor and beating her fists and feet on the ground)

Lacemaker - I wonder if she knows what a sacrifice we are making, too ? Going off our diets just so that she won't put any more weight on.

Mons - You can get mince pies with icing and cherries you know!!!

Cinders - Yes Hazel, I feel very unselfish and virtuous!! I hope she knows just what we are sacrificing for her!!
(no Monsy we are not going to burn anyone at the stake!!)

Mons - (Falls over in a faint.)

Lacemaker - Ready for the next one Cinders ? :
Black Forest Cheesecake - An exotic cheesecake with a covering of cherries and a border of chocklit ganache.
(If the cherries on the bakewell tarts disappear, you know who's pinched them, don't you ?)

Mons - Ganache, I'll give you ganache, you utterly cruel and heartless wimmin!!!!

Lacemaker - Bbbbbut Mons, I thought you were sick of cakes.

Mons. - Shorry! didth you shay someshing, munch, munch, !!

Lacemaker - You've pinched the last cake !!!!!!!!!!! The St. Honore one with fresh cream and a custard filled puff pastry base supporting a ring of choc-dipped profiteroles with strawberries, kirsch flavoured custard and chocklit curls !!!! That was my favourite cake I'd saved until last !!!!
Well that's you off my Christmas list !

Cinders - And mine - so much for altruism!!

Mons -

Lacemaker - The way she gulped that down, I'll bet she's not feeling too well at the moment.

Mons. - BBBEEEEEEEELLLLLCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!
Pardon me!!!

Lacemaker -

Silvernet
Monsterrat wrote:
BBBEEEEEEEELLLLLCCCCHHHHH!!!!!! Pardon me!!!
Mons, If you have wind....i'm out of here ......

Neighbourhood Bitch - Hazel, ignore them, quick, send the cakes to me.
I need comfort food
I'm here in a big, mad world that doesn't understand me and i really didn't ask to be here in the first place

Lacemaker - How about Chocklit Bavarian, NB ?
Chocklit sponge layered with chocklit custard and showered in chocklit chips.
Or would you rather a Fruit flan ?
A delicious sweet pastry base supporting a light fluffy custard, topped with slices of fresh kiwifruit, apricots and strawberries.
Or both !

Neighbourhood Bitch - All of them please

Mons. - I'll just taste it and see if it is OK, I don't want poor NB getting a tummy upset, not with that cough!!!!!

Neighbourhood Bitch - You get your hands off these feckin cakes.
THEY'RE CLAIMED!!!

Mons. -

Cookie - That told you

Silvernet - Hazel, Can you please stop the torment now, my guts is rumbling.

Lacemaker - They've eaten the bliddy lot Silver. I suppose I could always go out and buy some more though. What would you like ?

Neighbourhood Bitch - Give him a rich tea biscuit

Cinders - No give him a dog biscuit!! Good enough for men!!

Woodrow - Not this man !
What I'd really, really like is an Apple Strudel with cinnamon, served piping hot, with cream melting over it.
Licks lips lasciviously.

[philemmons]