Neverending Joke thread!

Let's do it. It's time I think.

A guy walks into a bar and begins chatting amicably with the bartender. After a while, the bartender goes, "You seem like a pretty cool guy, come back in the back with me, I wanna show you something."

They walk into the back room and the bartender gestures to a large cubed shape with a tarp over it. The bartender pulls back the tarp and reveals that it is in fact a cage with a gorilla inside it. The guy is amazed. "Wow, how'd you get that gorilla?" he asks.

The bartender grins and says, "You think that's cool, check this out." He opens the cage and the gorilla comes out, docile as a kitten. "Wow, that's really something, you have him trained really well," the guy replies.

Smiling, the bartender says "You ain't seen nothing yet." The bartender produces a large mallet and smashes the gorilla upon the head with it. The gorilla proceeds to drop to his knees, undo the bartender's pants, and give the bartender a blowjob.

The guy is awed by what he has just seen. "Oh man, that's really amazing!"

The bartender smiles and says, "Wanna give it a try?"

The guy says, "Sure, but you don't have to hit me with that mallet."
How do you know Adam wasn't black?

Have you ever tried to take a spare rib from a black guy?
A guy walks into a bar. "Bartender, I need a glass of whiskey and I need it now. Also, I have no money." The bartender begins pouring him a glass and says, "I'll give you this glass, but you have to do two jobs for me. First you have to go to the bayou behind the bar and pull the alligator's sore tooth. Then you have to have sex with my sister who is 500lbs." The man drinks his whiskey and is noticable drunk as he staggers out the door. About 15 minutes later, he returns. He is bruised and scarred and his clothes are torn, and he asks the bartender, "Alright. Now where's the fat chick who needed her tooth pulled?"
Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him. he downs it in three swigs and orders another. Downs that one in three swigs and orders another. "Man," the bartender says "you're drinking FAST!" The guy replies "Yeah, you'd be drinking this fast too if you have what I have". "What do you have?" the bartender asks, shocked. The guy replies "About 75 cents"

A penguin brings his car in to a mechanic.
The mechanic says, "Hmmm. Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin chuckles and says, "No, no, that's just mayo."
Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie are drinking at a bar. After a few stiff spirit shots, they start to brag about their sexual prowess. Nicole brags that she can fit an entire fist up her pink bits. "Thats nothing! I can get both arms up there!" Lindsay boasts proudly. Paris just laughs as she slides down the barstool.
What's worse than laughing at a dog chaising it's tail?
a parapelegic chase it's dreams
Sam Brenigan and his son were sitting in a bar. Sam says, "Son, I asked you here for a reason... I have cancer, and I'm going to die in 2 weeks, but we're irishmen, and we celebrate the good times and the bad, so let's have a drink." Several of Sams freinds notice Sam and his son drinking in a rather somber way, so they go over to see what is wrong. "Sam: they say, "You seem to be in a rather somber mood. What's wrong?" "Well," says sam," I have AIDS, and I'm going to be dead in two weeks. But we irishmen celebrate the good times and the bad, so won't you fellas have a drink with us? They of course oblige him, wish him the best, and go on the way. After Sams freinds had left, Sam's son, with quite a confused look on his face asked his father, "What do you mean you have AIDS? You told me you were dieing of cancer." "I am" said Sam, "But I don't want any of them fucking your mother when I'm gone."

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He
walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the
door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little
boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have
sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured,
why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do
any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the
Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the
men talking about having to get shots after making it
with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the
right. He headed down t he hall dragging the squashed
frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the
door.The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you
pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter
will have sex with me because she just happens to be
very fond of little boys. She will get the disease
that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad
will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump
her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to
bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will
deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch
t he disease.. and
HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG !!!!

what happened to the jew that walked into a wall with a boner?

he broke his nose.

Your mom's so fat, she's like Siamese twins connected everywhere.

What's a homosexual website?

www.#:.com
1: So, the Nazi's killed 6 million jews and 1 clown.
2: 1 clown?
1: See, no one cares about the jews.
How do you know an Asian's robbed your house?

Your homework is all done, your computer is fixed, and he's still in the driveway trying to back out your car.


HURRRRRR

What do you call a guy that has a website with 25 users and 800 bots?

Guy walks into a bar and says,"Hey barkeep, 10 shots of tequila please, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." the bartender sets him up and dude gulps them down in 5 seconds flat. The bartender says,"Wow man, that was fast. Want another?" Dude says,"No thanks, if 10 quick shots can't get the taste outta my mouth, nothin will." "Badda Bing"

What do you call a guy that has a website with 25 users and 800 bots?

:tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02::tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02: :tcwozere02:

A false prophet?

What do you call a guy that has a website with 25 users and 800 bots?

Netcoder forum??:nrocks:

Jesus is strolling along a town, when he spots a crowd. He gets near and asks what's going on. "We're about to stone the adultress!" the crowd replies. To which Jesus replies, while standing in front of the crowd: "Stop! Those who have not sinned, cast the first stone" - so the crowd slowly throws away the stones, as everyone has committed at least a small sin before.

Suddenly, a huge METEORITE falls from the sky, and squashes the adultress! Jesus, a look of annoyance on his face, looks at the sky and goes "Would you please mind your own fucking business, DAD?"
LOLZORZ

Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
I've never made an en zyme

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

What did the two tampons say to each other when they saw each other on the street?
Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches
HARharharhar

"Daddy" a son asks his father. "What's the difference between 'hypothetical' and 'realistic'?"
"Well, son." the father says. "go ask your sister if she'd have sex with her chemistry partner at school for 1 million and then go ask your mom if she'd screw the mailman for 1 million."

So the son goes off to talk to his mother and sister, and then comes back to his father. "Sis said 'Hell yeah' and mom said 'Of course'". the boy reports.
"There you have it." the father explains. "Hypothetically we're millionaires, but realistically we're just living with a couple of whores."

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim survive a plane crash on a lonely mountain ledge. They all look around, but none of them can find a way to climb either up or down to safety. When they've all but given up hope, the Muslim stumbles across a dusty old lamp. He rubs it to find a genie.

"Wow, I've been cooped up forever!" The genie says. "As a token of a gratitude, I will turn each of you into whatever you wish. Simply jump off the cliff and shout what you would like to be, and it shall be so."

The three guys take a while to build up their courage, but they finally realize there is no other choice. So the Christian guy runs, then jumps off the mountain, yelling "Eagle!". He is turned into a beautiful eagle and he flies away.

The Jew, seeing the success of the Christian man, runs and jumps off the mountain, yelling "Hawk!". He is then turned into a hawk, and he flies away.

The Muslim man sees the success of his two friends and decides to go for it. He steps back and runs for the edge of the mountain. Just before he reaches the edge, however, he trips on a rock. As he falls towards the edge, he shouts: "Shit!".
*groans*

as little jimmy was about to turn 7 he lost his eyesight to a rare disease

as his birthday was coming up the next day, jimmy asked his mother
"mommy will i ever be able to see again?"

she replied with "yes, jimmy, i heard of a special ointment that can bring your eyesight back, maybe in time for your birthday!

jimmy rejoiced and hugged his mother he was so happy

so his mother went to the pharmacy and bought the ointment

as jimmy was about to go to sleep his mother said
"now jimmy rub it on your eyes and put this towel over them, and by the time you wake up the doctor said you should be able to see again!"
"oh boy!" jimmy exclaimed as he did what his mother told him

the next morning, jimmy excitedly woke up, took the towel off of his face, and opened his eyes,
but he couldnt see!


he suddenly heard his mother jump into the room and shout "APRIL FOOLS!!!!"
HUZZAH!

There is a terrible bus accident in downtown NY. All 90 passengers were killed on impact. They are all standing in line in heaven, each waiting their turn to get into heaven. St. Peter announces that, in such a case, everyone would be given one wish before they enter heaven to kind of make up for the way they died. (I guess their guardian angels were playing poker at the time of the bus crash.) He walks over to the first man and Peter says, " what is your wish, my son?" The man replies, "Make me beautiful. I've been ugly all of my life, now I wish to be a beautiful person in my afterlife". Peter knods, and POOF, the man is beautiful. A man, all the way at the back of the line starts laughing. Peter, puzzled as he may be, moves to the next person. This person also replies that she'd like to be beautiful. Peter knods and POOF, she's beautiful. The guy at the back of the line starts laughing even harder. This goes on and on, all down the line, everyone wishes to be beautiful and the man at the back keeps laughing harder and harder until he's in tears. Finally, Peter gets to the final man who's been laughing all this time and says, "What is your wish?" The man, barely able to catch his breath from all of the laughter looks to Peter and says, "Make them all Ugly again!".

Bahaha :xxrotflmao:

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."
boom boom tish

heard it b4, but still good

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and
is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to
himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense... Deputy says,
"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says,"What for?"

Deputy says,"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says,"I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says,"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says,"What's the difference?"

Deputy says,"The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"


Lawyer says,"If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the hell out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" :rotflmao:

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head
kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with
one of his patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a
veterinarian."

BA DA BING

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this
your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

FUNNY, NO?

Eiger you are such a card LOL

A man goes into a diner and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" She replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love." So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" The girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love." The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A foreman had a german, a russian, and a japanese working for him. He tells the german, "Heinze, go get some wood." He tells the Russian, "Yuri, go get some shovels." He tells the Japanese, "Takahashi-san, go get supplies." After a while the foreman, the german, and the Russian are all waiting around for the Japanese guy to come back. The foreman wonders aloud, "Where is Takahashi-san," at which point the Jap jumps out and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

"Two jews walk in to a bar. They buy it."

The Danish newspaper editor who enraged muslims by printing a cartoon has apologised and said it was never his intention to upset the muslim people.

His new book 'Allah Is A Cunt' goes on sale tomorrow.

What is Afghanistan's national bird?
Duck!

Emile Lahoud phoned President Bush and said,"George, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."
Bush asked,"What was on the banner?"
Lahoud responded,"It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Bush said,"You know, Emile, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Beruit, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Lahoud said,"What was on the banner?"
Bush replied,"I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

A paranormal researcher is giving a seminar in India, and he begins to ask his audience some questions.

"Everyone who's ever seen a ghost before, please stand up."

Nearly everyone in the audience stands up.

"Now if you've talked to or touched a ghost, please stay standing."

About half the people sit down.

"If anyone has ever kissed a ghost, please continue standing."

All but two men sit down.

The researchers voice drops a little as a hush falls over the crowd "If either of you have ever had sex with a ghost, please continue standing."

One man sits down, leaving an old, small Indian man standing on his own in the big crowd.

"Sir, this is incredible. You mean to tell me that you've actually had sexual intercourse with a GHOST?"

The old man looks shocked and disgusted. "Ghost?! I thought you said goat!"

Fun to do at work...

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Hezbollah!

Hezbollah who?

And then you just start lobbing shit over the cubicle wall.

Another knock knock.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

YOU SAID YOU'D NEVAR FORGET!!

lol @ the last

3 gay men are at there ex-lovers funeral.

gay guy #1: i want to his ashes on my boat and spread them out in the ocean, because we had such a great time on my boat.

fag #2: no way! i want to take his ashes up in my plane and let them out in the air, because we had such a great time on my plane.

queer #3: nope.... im putting him in my chili

#1 and 2 at the same time: in your chili!?!?!

#3... yeah! so he can tare up my ass like he used to!!!!!

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...

...in front of the door?
Matt

...in a ditch?
Phil

...in your hot tub?
Stu

...on your BBQ grill?
Frank

...waterskiing
Skip

...on a beach?
Sandy

...in a pool?
Bob

What do you call his dog in the pool with no legs?
Bob Barker

...on the wall?
Art

And what do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of Art

What if he also doesn't have a tongue?
Tasteless Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

...in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Same guy after 6 months?
Pete

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in the water?
Swimming trunks

What do you call two guys with no arms & no legs hanging on a wall?
Curt 'n Rod

What do you call a guy with no legs and one arm, holding up your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no feet?
Neil

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter that the other?
Eileen

An Asian woman with the same affliction?
Irene

After the operation?
Noleen

(and in honor of The Funny Farm...)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?
Lean Ground Beef

hahahahahaha

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

How can you tell when your army buddy is gay? ---he gets an erection when you fuck him up the ass.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from
a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in
the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She
bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of
the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?"
he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
" I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"
He looks at his watch and says,
"When your mother leaves for work!"

reality

What do you call a guy that has a website with 25 users and 800 bots?

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken."

Eiger is cracking me the hell up

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?
The Masked-quito!


Thanks, I'll be here all week!

I want to throw something heavy at you

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to hold Paris?

A: Nobody knows.

I want to throw something heavy at you

Go ahead, but you might hit your mom who's... oh never mind.

BACK TO THE JOKES!

man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !

The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

If only women would listen.

Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?

1) If she's brain-dead why waste the time on foreplay.
2) The wheelchairs get in the way.

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

A young woman is walking home one night when she spies her priest. Her rather down trodden face lifts for a moment as she races up to him and says, “Father, I’m so glad you’re here. I have just sinned and I need to confess.”

“Right now?”

“Yes, Father. This is important.”

“Well,” he replies, “Ok. But the sidewalk is not an appropriate place for a confession. Come with me.”

As they continue down the street, the priest notices just how beautiful this young woman is: early twenties, tan skin, long blonde hair, gorgeous legs. The swell of her large breasts peeking out of her v-neck with every step, hinting at the fleshy goodness contained underneath her garments. They eventually come upon a dark alley. The priest takes her by the hand and leads her down it, away from the street.

“Now, my child, you may speak.”

“Father, I have sinned,” she says, “I called a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“And why did you do that my child?”

“He was holding my hand...”

The priest suddenly realizes that the two of them are still holding hands.

“Like this?” he says swinging their hands a little bit.

“Why, yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“Well, he also... rubbed my shoulders...”

“Like this?” he says, moving his hands up her arms and beginning a little massage.

“Why, yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“Well, he also... kissd me...”

“Like this?” the priest says as he moves in and kisses her passionately.

“Why, yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“Well... he also... fondled my breasts...”

“Like this...?”

“Why... yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“Well... he also... took off all my clothes.”

“Like this?” the priest says as he slowly strips her.

“Why, yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“Well... he also... made love to me.”

The priest cannot believe his luck. He quickly drops his trousers to the floor and proceeds to plow the shit out of this girl, softly grunting, “Like this? Like this? Like this?”

“Oh... yes, Father. Yes, Father! Yes, Father! YESFATHERYESFATHER! Oh, yes, Father!”

“Well,” the priest says, grinning, as he zips himself up, “That’s still no reason to call a man a ‘son of a bitch.’”

“Then he told me he had AIDS.”

“That SON of a BITCH!”

Why is it called PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken.

What's worse than 1 papercut?
2 Papercuts.

What's worse than 2 papercuts?
The Holocaust.

What's worse than that?
3 Papercuts.

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.
Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the
wind direction and speed--driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed. "You
lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you
will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout
you leava me your rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you
gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a
biga home and maybe a coulple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home andmaybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say: 'Time's up?"

A husband is crying one day when his wife walks into the house. She notice's him and asks "Whats wrong sweetie?"

He replys "You remember the time we got caught fooling in the car by your dad?"

She says "Yes, what about it, dear?"

He says "Remeber how he shoved a shotgun in face face and threatened me to marry you or serve 20 years in jail?"

"Yes." She responds.

"We'll, I would have gotten out of prison today." He responds as he wipes away his tears.
:nutkick:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse standing at the bar. Beside the horse is a sign that says "Make this horse laugh, win $5000!"

The guy walks up to the bartender and says "I think I can make the horse laugh." The bartender says "Well go ahead and try but everyone in here has tried and failed."

So the guy goes up to the horse and whisper's something in it's ear and the horse begins to laugh hysterically. The guy walks over to the bartender and collects his money and walks out. Now everyone in the bar is in an uproar over the guy who could make the horse laugh but the guy disappears before they can ask how he did it.

A couple weeks later the same guy walks into the bar and now there is a sign beside the horse that says "Make this horse cry and win $10000. So the guy walks up to the bartender and says "I think I can make the horse cry, but I need to take him out back for a second."

The bartender thinks the guy is gonna hurt the horse or something so he refuses at first. But the crowd becomes unruly because once again they haven't been able to make the horse cry and they think this guy can do it.

So finally the bartender relents. The guy takes the horse out back for a minute and when they come back the horse is balling his eyes out. The guy collects his cash and is about to leave, but the bartender stops him.

"Hey buddy!" he says, "How the hell did you make the horse laugh and cry? We have all been dying to know."

The guy says "Well, when I made him laugh, I told him my cock was bigger than his." The bartender says "Then how did you make him cry?" The guy says "I took him out back and showed him."
__________________

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going
to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chi cken crossed the road We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see
the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's why they call it the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together -
in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet e xplorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Bill Braskey threw such a mean curveball it hit the third baseman in the jaw and was still a strike...

Bill Braskey challenged the devil to an armwrestling match... The devill never showed up.

Bill Braskey won the indy 500 with his right blinker on

Bill Brakey's foreskin covers the yankeees stadium when it rains

Bill Braskey has the birth of Jesus Christ on laser disc... volume 1 and 2

Bill Braskey won the national jenga tournament with oven mitts on

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?



A: A quarter pounder with cheese

Chili Cook Off...this is hilarious

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** ***

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge ... 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You cou ld
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***

CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...


Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge ..2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

************************************************** ***


CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look
HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***


CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

************************************************** ***


CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow
cone.

************************************************** ***

CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
************************************************** ***
CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge .. 3 - No Report

Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

Father Flannagen is helping out at a church while the regular pastor is away on vacation. Before leaving the pastor left Father Flannagen a book of what to give out as punishment during confessions. One day, during confession a woman enters the booth and confesses that she gave a man a blowjob. After flipping through the book Father Flannagen couldn't find a listing for blowjob. Sicking his head out the door he asks an alter boy walking by, "What does the pastor give for a blowjob?" The boy replied "A bag of chips and a candy bar"

Q: What do you do if you see your wife running around screaming in the backyard?
A: Shoot the bitch again.
__________________________________________________ _______________

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

What is the best thing about a handjob from a 10 year old?

It makes your cock look fuckin' HUGE!

com'on people we need more here!!!!!!!!!

There's a mailman doing his rounds on his last day. He's doing his route, giving out letters, but he's depressed. No one on his route thought to leave him a card, a tip, a "congrats!". nothing.

He goes to one house, and knocks on the door. It opens, and there stands a beautiful, blonde bombshell that yanks him inside, and starts making love to him.

They do it everywhere- on the floor, on the stairs, the kitchen table, until finally they're spent. The woman stands up, and walk out of the room. She returns, with a tray of breakfast. The postman begins to eat, when the woman gives him a five dollar bill.

"What's this for?" he asks.

"I asked my husband what to give you for your retirement." she explained. "He said "Fuck him. Give him five bucks." Breakfast was my idea~"

Q: what do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?




A: Juan on Juan!!!

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Whats the fastest fish in the pond???

Motorpike and sidecarp

Sorry......my son told me that, I laffed

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

My favorite pick up lines:

"Roofies, or a brick?"

"You look like a screamer."

"Does this rag smell like chloroform?"

:lol: :gathering:

roofies , or a brick? I gotta remeber that one

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.


After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''


The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''


The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''


The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''


The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''


The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''


The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

How do you get a witch pregnant?









You serew her.
:wazzup:

An elderly man goes to the doctor for a monthly checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling: 'Fine!' Comes the exhuberant answer. 'I'm 78 years old, but I have a 20 year old wife - -and- she's pregnant! Whadya think of that?'
The doctor nods knowingly, and says, 'let me tell you a story.'

There was a hunter who kept his guns in the umbrella stand. One day the inevitable happened and the hunter took an umbrella with him on a hunt instead of a shotgun. He's deep in the woods when suddenly a bear rears up out of nowhere. The man levels his umbrella and tries to pull the trigger. There's a loud bang and the bear falls dead.'

'Well obviousely someone else musta shot the bear!' laughs the old man.

'That is exactly my point', says the doctor.

An older Japanese businessman visits a strip club, and falls in love with a gorgeous dancer there. He keeps showing up every night, spending hundreds on dances from her. One night, while she is at his table, he asks her to marry him.
She likes the constant attention, and doesn't want to hurt his feelings because he's her highest paying customer, but really doesn't want to marry him, and tries to think of a way to let him down easy.

"Um, I would marry you, but the man I marry would have to buy me a million-dollar engagement ring, and I can't make any exceptions."

The Japanese guy thinks for a second, pulls out his wallet, and starts to thumb through it. He does some calculations in his head, and then says "I buy! I buy!"

The stripper is taken aback, and starts to panic. "Well, the guy I marry would also have to build me a five-million dollar mansion."

The Japanese guy thinks for a second, pulls out his phone, and makes a couple of phone calls, talking excitedly to the people on the other end of the line. He hangs up the phone, smiles, and says "I build! I build!"

The stripper is desperate, but suddenly gets an idea. "And finally, the guy I marry would also have to have a 12-inch penis."

The Japanese guy thinks for a second, biting his lower lip, a frown on his face. "12 inches?"

The stripper says "12 inches, no exceptions."

The Japanese guy lets out a deep sigh, looking down into his drink. He raises his head, a tear coming down his cheek, and says "I cut... I cut."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g

pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at

her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her

selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Colorado. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field,and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Colorado. We settle small disagreements like this with the Colorado Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Colorado Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who’s he going to tell?"

A woman was driving into a small town late one night and nearly ran off the road near the outskirts when a coyote jumped right in front of her vehicle. She was further shocked when a cowboy ran after the coyote, caught it at the side of the road, and began to sodomize it.
The woman sped off into the town to find the local sheriff. She spotted his car in front of the local bar. "It figures," she muttered and went in.
As she walked into the bar she spied an old man with a long beard, sitting in the corner masturbating freely. The woman gasped and stomped up to the bar to where the sheriff was sitting.
"What kind of town are you running here!" she yelled. "I nearly get killed avoiding some cowboy sodomizing a coyote! And now I come in here and there’s an old man jacking-off right there in plain view!"
The sheriff slowly looked at the old man and then back at the woman. "Ma’am," he said, "you don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do you?"

Ask me about reviving threads for fun and profit :D

How many overused jokes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

to get to the other side

Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
Because he was Haydn!

groan

groan
SEXY!

/blush

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"

The other guy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?", says the other.

"It's easy! I turn off the light!"

How do you get 100 dead babies into a phone booth? Blender.

How do you get them out? Nachos.

What's the worst part about having sex with a 75 year-old woman?
You ever tried pulling a grilled cheese sandwich apart?

A Woman walks up to a Barman and asks for a double-entendre, so he gave her one - if you know what I mean

So this couple is lying in bed, and the girl says
"I've been meaning to ask you something"
"sure, go ahead"
"I'm afraid you might be a pedophile"
"That's an awfully big word for a six year old"

what do you do after eating a vegetable?




put her back in the wheelchair.

I have to hide this because it's NSFW. A guy at work told it to me today. I didn't want the sandwich I was carrying afterwards :(

So there I am, right, fucking this little boy in the ass. He reaches back and starts jiggling my nuts, and I'm all "oh great, my son is a faggot."

holy fucking jesus fucking christ, i just spit a cookie on my monitor

OK here goes a long one. It's all in the delivery so bear with me...


A guy is sitting at his desk at work when he hears a small voice whisper "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas."

The man shrugs and chuckles to himself.

10 minutes later the voice comes back again "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas."

The man stands up and checks the other side of the cubicle and pears around at everyone but they are all oblivious to him. So he sits down and scratches his head and goes back to work.

5 minutes later the voice returns "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas." The tone never changes just a small almost plaintive plea.

Getting a little worried he unplugs his speakers to his computer, his stereo and takes the chord out of the phone.

Only 2.5 minutes later the voice returns "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas."

1 minute "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas."
30 seconds "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas."
Until all he can hear is "Sell your house, take the money, go to Vegas."

"OK I'LL DO IT!!!!"

He'd cracked! He runs out of the office goes to the realitor and sells his house. Cleans out the bank accounts takes the money and starts driving to Vegas.

As he drives down the strip the voice calls out to him again "Go to Caesar's Palace."

So he immediately makes his way there. He wonders around a bit waiting for the voice. Totally obedient...

The voice says to him softley "Go to the roulette table"

He works his way through the crowd to the table and watched for a bit.

The voice tells him simply, "Red 16"

He places the bet, the crowd gasps, security gathers, the pit boss comes to see and the man waits patiently.

The wheel starts and the ball bounces...


bounces...




bounces...







bounces...











bounces...


Finally lands on Black 13.

The man stands there waiting for anything, something to happen....














Finally the little voice says,




"Fuck"

LMAO that's crazay nigga

I have to hide this because it's NSFW. A guy at work told it to me today. I didn't want the sandwich I was carrying afterwards :(

hidden content may not be quoted

To f-cking much!!! I spit up my teeth bleaching retainer right out.... fooker!

Eiger...where in the hell do you get some of those jokes...way laughs

What does one fag, say to the other fag?
.............There's alot shit in the way.

What's so great about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
.............You'll know she drink every drop.

Hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese?
............He was circumcised at Benny Hannah's.

How many Italians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
............Two. One to screw it in, and one to shoot the witnesses.

Why did God create armadillos?
...........So Mexicans would have something to eat on the half-shell.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
...........A hooker who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget you.

What's the difinition of eternity?
...........The length of time between when you cum and she leaves.

Why do women have two sets of lips?
...........So they can piss and moan at the same time.

What do you call a female peacock?
............A peacunt

What would Hitler have invented if he lived another 6 months?
............Yhe self cleaning oven

Why are blacks so quick on their feet?
............They spend the 1st nine months dodging coat hangers.


"Mommy, mommy, why are you moaning?"
............"Shut up, and keep licking!"


Did you hear about the fellow who chewed his baby's toes off?
...........He forgot his wife was pregnant

Why are babies born with soft spots on top of thier heads?
..............So tyhat if there's a fire in the hospitial, the nurse can carry out 5 with each hand.

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/9550/michaeljfoxjokesxd5.png

A priest and a rabbi are walking together down a street, and they pass an orphanage. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey, let's go fuck some kids!"

The rabbi looks at the priest and responds, "Fuck them out of what?"

What's the difference between a Whore and an Onion?

I cry when I chop up an Onion.

A vicar, a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar,
well, it was just a vicar really,
and it wasnt a bar it was my bedroom,
and the vicar was my dad,
and he wasnt really a vicar,
and he molested me....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

AMIRITE!

What's the difference between Lance Bass* and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

About eight years ago, Batman, Wonder Woman and Superman were golfing. Batman goes first and knocks a 330 yard drive off the tee. Wonder Woman says 'Holy shit Batman, that is fantastic! I didn't know you were a golfer.' Batman replies, 'Well, my alter ego Bruce Wayne has closed some major deals on the links, so I have to be a competitve golfer.' Wonder Woman says 'You compete?' Batman repilies, 'Oh, a little.' Wonder Woman says, 'What is your handicap?' 'About seven.'

Now its' Wonder Woman's turn. She gets up and blasts one down the middle of the fairway, 300+ yards. Batman exclaims 'Wow, Wonder Woman! You are a great golfer as well!' She replies 'Yeah, the only way I can relax anymore is on the links. I've even started competing a bit in women-only tournaments for charity.' Batmans says 'No shit? What is your handicap?' She replies 'About 10.'

Wonder Woman turns to Superman and says 'Hey Supes, you are in for one hell of a match! What is your handicap?'

Superman replies I AM IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR!

Why does micheal Jackson never win in a race?
because he likes to come in a little behind.


What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip!

why can't Smoky the Bear have kids?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Colorado. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field,and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Colorado. We settle small disagreements like this with the Colorado Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Colorado Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"LMAO ROTFF. Woke the old lady up laughing. Thats funny I don't care who you are!!!

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"Stop it Eiger!!!:yt:

How do you know when its bed time at Neverland Ranch? Give up? When the Big hand is on the little hand.....

I heard the Michael Jackson was going to clothes sale today. Little Boys pants half off.

2 lesbians and 2 fags are leaving for San Francisco at the same time from the same place, which one gets there first?

The lesbians because they got there lickity split and the fags are still back there packing their shit

:tcwozere02:

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

A Pakistanian man buys a bulk bag of flour for his buisness.
when he gets home be drags the huge bag of flour into his garage and attempts to store it in the garage rafters, but unfortunatly the bag explodes and flour goes EVERYWHERE and all over the man.

The man sighs and goes inside to wash. As he passes the kitchen his wife goes "Oh Dear what happened?" The man says "I put the flour in the rafters it explodes poof white all over" she responds "You should go wash it off" The man sighs and continues on his way to the washroom.

When he gets to the bottom of the stairs he sees his youngest daughter who says, "Father what happened?"
"...I put the flour in the rafters it explodes poof white all over!"
"you should go wash it off!"

Irritated at these obvious answers, the man makes his way up the stairs on his way to the bathoom. At the top he meets his only son.
"Father what happened!"
"...I PUT THE FLOUR IN THE RAFTERS IT EXPLODES POOF WHITE ALL OVER!!!"
"...you should go wash it off"

Now totally pissed off the father finally makes it to the washroom where his oldest daughter is brushing her hair. "Father what happened!"

The man says "I"VE ONLY BEEN WHITE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND I ALREADY HATE YOU DAMN PAKIS"

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't you fucking idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you fucking dickhead?" "

Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the Fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Easyjet!!!

The Indian Way

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ....
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

It was closing time at the bar so the town drunk made his trek down the sidewalk stumbling his way toward home. As he was going, he passed by the town Whore House, when in the front yard he saw two dogs just going at it. He looked at this with disdain. So he left the sidewalk, through the grass he went and kicked the two dogs apart, which caused them to both yelp in the process. Then, he stumbled to the front door of the whore house and rang the bell. The old madam appeared at the door saying"What do you want?". To which he replied "Hey Lady, your sign fell down".:icon_oyes: