A UK Passport Application

Dear Minister,




I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a

total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to

jump through.



How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke

has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a

satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is

still asking me where I was born and on what date?



How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who

comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell

me every film or video I have had out since he started his business

up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last

three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the

government?



How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is

on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence

or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no

idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to

themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?



You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on

me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for

the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my

driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those

stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being

allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all

those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and

the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every

time our lords and masters are up for re-election.



Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I

was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name

is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert,

and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now

and the day I die!



I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this

morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail

the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What

is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look

at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to

activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park

my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's

well-earned rest away from all this crap.



Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to

Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you

lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT

is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the

same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd

rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our

heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me

on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not

allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the

process!



Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally

jacked off!



I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years

including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I

have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet

Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being

briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work

for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However,

I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know,

someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago

WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...



Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

:flasher: