(Only a guy would do this!)

sent to me by my sister.
A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow
my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate
time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I
read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs and I'd know it was

working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on
a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do
it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected what little wits I had
left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

:icon_dizzy: