che
09-23-07, 07:13 PM
The new appartment
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,
I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....
well, it was me."
*
Irresistible
http://wanxpon.free.fr/Noobsters/visa.jpg
*
Pussy Cat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
*
This shouldn't be allowed :-)
http://wanxpon.free.fr/Noobsters/DingleBerry.jpg
*
When you're drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
&n bsp;9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
*
Tips on How To Keep Your Lady Happy
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This
will
keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If
she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will
impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are
like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she
is,
say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show
her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every
girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry
is for wussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she
is,
stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other
girl's
ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks
it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When
she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts
crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper
very quietly into her ear ".because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
special
nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold.and not by giving her your jacket,
because
then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you
don't
stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching
about a
black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party
is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick
the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny.why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home
and
you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down
desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or
anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way,
she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt
and
say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that
speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a
spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it
(but not a sexy cologne smell.a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no,
it's
just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to
stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
This
way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is
that
she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can
ever
get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she's
coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present
visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that
much, but guys think it's funny.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise
her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make
sure
that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to
tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call.
Good luck and Enjoy....:mwink:
*
10 Year old blues
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
*
American Courts
(sit down & hang on :-) )
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law :rotflmao:
That's all folks ! ;)
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,
I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....
well, it was me."
*
Irresistible
http://wanxpon.free.fr/Noobsters/visa.jpg
*
Pussy Cat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
*
This shouldn't be allowed :-)
http://wanxpon.free.fr/Noobsters/DingleBerry.jpg
*
When you're drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
&n bsp;9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
*
Tips on How To Keep Your Lady Happy
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This
will
keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If
she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will
impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are
like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she
is,
say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show
her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every
girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry
is for wussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she
is,
stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other
girl's
ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks
it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When
she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts
crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper
very quietly into her ear ".because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
special
nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold.and not by giving her your jacket,
because
then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you
don't
stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching
about a
black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party
is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick
the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny.why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home
and
you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down
desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or
anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way,
she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt
and
say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that
speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a
spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it
(but not a sexy cologne smell.a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no,
it's
just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to
stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
This
way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is
that
she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can
ever
get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she's
coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present
visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that
much, but guys think it's funny.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise
her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make
sure
that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to
tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call.
Good luck and Enjoy....:mwink:
*
10 Year old blues
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
*
American Courts
(sit down & hang on :-) )
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law :rotflmao:
That's all folks ! ;)