Cho Seung-Hui's Plays... [Archive]

Jon

04-18-07, 05:27 PM

one for the archives :D

Firsthand Account swap.avi

00:18

The film opens with the deceptively peaceful imagery of computer-generated birds taking flight above computer-generated landscapes. A swallow soars over vineyards. SCAT SWAPPING SCHOOL SWALLOW. Is there some relation between the bird and the title? I put it out of my mind.

01:03

Three women are sitting at school desks and a fourth woman is standing up as if she is their teacher. Why are there Mickey Mouse dolls leaned up against the wall?

04:53

The teacher has been writing catchprases from Something Awful on the chalkboard with chalk. She has written "Pak Chooie Unf" from Lowtax's famous Space Robot Bonanza prank on the chalkboard. I don't know what the exact opposite emotion to ecstatic would be, but I'm fairly sure that emotion would be Lowtax's reaction to hearing the news.

05:15

She's dropped the chalk. I think it's about to start.

08:28

They are all disrobing. Each of them is ugly in their own unique way. I take some small consolation from the fact that nothing beautiful will be ruined by this video.

09:12

The teacher has a finger up her butt. They seem very excited about this.

15:33

The girls are taking turns on the teacher's butthole with fingers and tongues. I don't feel sick yet, although I feel a general malaise.

21:18

One of the girl's fingers is caked in feces. She is licking it off with feigned joy. Her acne reminds me of the texture of an oil painting.

21:47

The teacher's distended anus is thrust skyward and aimed by hand. A girl squats over her. This is the dolorous stroke.

22:31

It began so suddenly I scarcely had time to gag. Serpentine coils of battery brown, here and there a nut or piece of corn, heaped high on the teacher's anus. Between smiles and giggles they look as if they might cry. Perhaps it is my imagination. I am shaken.

25:46

They are feeding huge handfuls to one another. Their eyes roll back and they gag. The earth has cracked open and hell flows out in a great brown river.

29:08

It is smeared all over their faces and breasts. They swallow with effort. The sound is like applying paste slowly and carefully to the back of a construction-paper owl. I see myself in their eyes. We want to die.

34:16

They're trying to load the feces back into one of the girl's buttholes. It's everywhere by now. The way a fog blankets the hills of a village in Basque. I see a lone goat, a bell jangling around its neck. It bleats and leaps into the air, exploding in a welter of 98 degree shit. I do not vomit.

40:24

They're caked with filth. It must smell like an abattoir in that tiny room. Innards and death. I vomit without looking away. I feel linked to them. I must endure. Is it possible to die from looking at something?

45:00

A woman is defecating an immense, gnarled, mahogany log. I laugh despite the tangy snot oozing from my nose and the vomit matting my beard. Through some biological oddity the woman is expelling trapped liquid through a small channel in the middle of the turd as it emerges from her rectum. It is as if a cobblestone phallus is dropping from her bowel to urinate. I see nature in all its myriad splendors.

54:50

Almost over, yet each second seems an eternity. My empathy for these women has evaporated. Too much indignity, too great a volume of feces passed from one colon to the next. I no longer see them as human. They are pale apes covered in argil. Their simian brains are insufficient for the task of comprehending their transgressions against Odin. I want to dash their heads open with a rock.

56:28

One has just vomited a great quantity of watery red lumps on the backside of another. Vomit seems so innocent. I feel a strange urge to protect it from them. Preserve it as a taboo for less terrible peoples.

59:50

They are now all covered in shit and vomiting into one another's mouths, like mother birds that have absent-mindedly built their nests in the skim tanks of a waste treatment plant. "I nourish you," I imagine them saying to one another. Somewhere pus issues from a teet into the mouth of a babe, rancid and sour, corrupting what it touches. This taint spreads of its own accord.

1:01:22

They're laughing. It's over. I check my revolver but I have fired off my last cartridge at an Indian I caught eating a discarded shoe from my trash. I place the pistol to my temple and pull the trigger anyway. One of them seems to be crying. Click. Click. Click.