mr_wiggles
02-15-07, 03:32 AM
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15 ways to get over your ex
Singles: Get out, flirt, have fun!
The pitfalls of online romance
Start your search for someone new
Boy v. Girl: Be a better dater
Boy v. Girl: Worst pick-up lines, ever!
Boy v. Girl: 10 places to meet someone new
They have got the bad news -- "We should take some time out" or "I don't think you're the one."
But they just can't get their one-time heartthrob out of their minds.
Whether they're doing the laundry or going over reports at work, intrusive thoughts about their past partner keep them unwelcome company, taking a toll on their peace of mind.
Months or occasionally years afterward, questions run amok: "Does he still think of me?" "Why did she say that?"
In some ways, a spouse dying is easier. Friends don't say you're better off without him, says Marcia Kingsbury, a Victoria registered clinical counsellor for 19 years. Instead, widows and widowers get all kinds of time, sympathy and support.
Often the exes feel they're cut off from the life force and have great urgency to have that back, says Diana Kucharska, a Fernwood social worker and counsellor of 20 years' experience.
"They want to feel that they are still important. It is a lot about feeling wanted and loved. It's that idea in our society that you're nobody if somebody doesn't love you, so if this one person doesn't need to be with you anymore, it attacks your self-worth."
She defines obsession as "out-of-control thinking where the thoughts are difficult or impossible to stop." She's not talking about stalking or harassment. And it doesn't have a time limitation. It just has to feel "too much too often."
Favourite obsessive thoughts include past time together, things they'd still like to happen if only they could reconnect, sexual or romantic fantasies, or the ultimate: the ex apologizing and wanting to come back.
"The thoughts are usually fuelled with a lot of emotion, a sense of out-of control grief or loss or urgency."
She has seen it a lot, and experienced it herself.
"Most people, after a breakup, obsess about their ex in some way unless they go onto a new all-absorbing activity such as a new relationship or drug addiction or workaholism or something," she says.
Some people are paralysed by their obsessions; others know they're taking up too much time but they're still functioning.
"One day you're dreaming about running over your ex's favourite clothing and the next day you're pining about having a romantic dinner and that one last hug."
Those who obsess mourn short or long relationships. It has to do with the emotional intensity between the couple.
Kucharska always tells clients that there are healthy, adaptive aspects to obsessing.
"Usually they feel very embarrassed, very upset that they're even obsessing. We're supposed to move on in this society. You know, eat two tubs of ice cream and get on with it. You've been out of relationship for six months -- hey, who are you dating?"
Breakups are confusing, and part of the healing lies in figuring out "What the hell happened for me? What am I going through and where do I want to go and why was I in that relationship."
http://www.canada.com/topics/lifestyle/story.html?id=b08a9a9d-5e63-4d6a-a2f6-830851b381ab&k=47448 :icon_bunch:
15 ways to get over your ex
Singles: Get out, flirt, have fun!
The pitfalls of online romance
Start your search for someone new
Boy v. Girl: Be a better dater
Boy v. Girl: Worst pick-up lines, ever!
Boy v. Girl: 10 places to meet someone new
They have got the bad news -- "We should take some time out" or "I don't think you're the one."
But they just can't get their one-time heartthrob out of their minds.
Whether they're doing the laundry or going over reports at work, intrusive thoughts about their past partner keep them unwelcome company, taking a toll on their peace of mind.
Months or occasionally years afterward, questions run amok: "Does he still think of me?" "Why did she say that?"
In some ways, a spouse dying is easier. Friends don't say you're better off without him, says Marcia Kingsbury, a Victoria registered clinical counsellor for 19 years. Instead, widows and widowers get all kinds of time, sympathy and support.
Often the exes feel they're cut off from the life force and have great urgency to have that back, says Diana Kucharska, a Fernwood social worker and counsellor of 20 years' experience.
"They want to feel that they are still important. It is a lot about feeling wanted and loved. It's that idea in our society that you're nobody if somebody doesn't love you, so if this one person doesn't need to be with you anymore, it attacks your self-worth."
She defines obsession as "out-of-control thinking where the thoughts are difficult or impossible to stop." She's not talking about stalking or harassment. And it doesn't have a time limitation. It just has to feel "too much too often."
Favourite obsessive thoughts include past time together, things they'd still like to happen if only they could reconnect, sexual or romantic fantasies, or the ultimate: the ex apologizing and wanting to come back.
"The thoughts are usually fuelled with a lot of emotion, a sense of out-of control grief or loss or urgency."
She has seen it a lot, and experienced it herself.
"Most people, after a breakup, obsess about their ex in some way unless they go onto a new all-absorbing activity such as a new relationship or drug addiction or workaholism or something," she says.
Some people are paralysed by their obsessions; others know they're taking up too much time but they're still functioning.
"One day you're dreaming about running over your ex's favourite clothing and the next day you're pining about having a romantic dinner and that one last hug."
Those who obsess mourn short or long relationships. It has to do with the emotional intensity between the couple.
Kucharska always tells clients that there are healthy, adaptive aspects to obsessing.
"Usually they feel very embarrassed, very upset that they're even obsessing. We're supposed to move on in this society. You know, eat two tubs of ice cream and get on with it. You've been out of relationship for six months -- hey, who are you dating?"
Breakups are confusing, and part of the healing lies in figuring out "What the hell happened for me? What am I going through and where do I want to go and why was I in that relationship."
http://www.canada.com/topics/lifestyle/story.html?id=b08a9a9d-5e63-4d6a-a2f6-830851b381ab&k=47448 :icon_bunch: